Surrendering the Canvas: Understanding Sex Addiction

40 million adults in the U.S. regularly visit pornographic websites and 1/3 of these visitors are women. The question is “Why, and what does it have to do with us?”

What I am learning about sex addiction in its various forms is that it is about avoiding relational pain. Real relationships and intimacy force us to engage with people on a level where our hearts are open. This sort of intimacy is scary...especially for those that have been hurt. So people turn to fantasy and sex because when you are in fantasy, you can control the objects of your desire without risking relational pain. When you objectify someone by turning them into a fantasy in your head, you can control them. They can’t hurt you because they are not real humans…they are objects.

Even reflecting on my own past, I can see that engaging in sex work was largely about sexualizing my pain. I had been raped and abused and learned that intimacy=pain. Stripping offered me a false sense of empowerment and temporary relief from the pain I was suffering. I could pretend that I was in control and as long as I was in control, I could avoid the pain that true intimacy and relationship might bring.

Many people have a difficult time relating to the plight of the sex addict. But I would suggest that if we are honest enough to examine our own hearts, we might find some similarities. Most people spend time imagining what their life will look like. We paint a canvas in our heads of our marriages, careers, friendships etc. What happens when our expectations are shattered by life’s disappointment? Perhaps by the death of a loved one, the breakdown of a marriage or the loss of a career. How do we respond? Do get angry towards God and respond in bitterness? Or, are we willing to engage in true relationship with our Creator and surrender the canvas of our lives to Him. I too have painted a canvas of what my life would look like, but I have discovered that my canvas may not be consistent with the ultimate canvas that God is painting for me.

Are we willing to trust that He is good, and that His plans are good, even when they don’t look like the picture we have painted? If we cling more tightly to the canvas we have painted in our heads, than we cling to God, we too are trapped by fantasy.

Isaiah 42:16-17 says the following:
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. But those who trust in idols, who say to graven images, 'You are our gods,’ will be turned back in utter shame.

Fantasy is idolatry. It is putting trust in a graven image carved out by our minds. It is much easier to place our trust in something we can see and control, then to place it in a God we cannot see and cannot control.

True relationship and intimacy can be scary. Healing can be scary. These things require trust and courage to walk with God along unfamiliar paths by ways we have not imagined. But God, our God, wants to take us on this journey. He will make our rough places smooth and bring light where there is none.


We must allow God’s floodlight to penetrate our hearts, exposing the true source of pain so that healing can take place. Only then will we be able to see clearly what has propelled us to escape in fantasy. Only then will be able to surrender the canvas of our lives to a good God, knowing that He can do exceedingly, abundantly above all we can ask think or imagine!

Love, Harmony
www.iamatreasure.com


PS. I highly recommend the book “False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction” by Schaumburg.

Healing Journey

My Healing Journey
by Harmony Dust

Every journey is different. Every time Jesus healed someone in the bible he did it differently. And so it is with us. There is no secret formula for healing, but I believe that there are steps that we can take and choices we can make that will strength to our lives. Here are just a few of the things that I discovered on my own healing journey.

Relate

There is no substitute for a real and honest relationship with God. He is Lord over my life and so much more. Through reading His word, praying and simply spending time being quiet and still with Him, I have come to know Him as Father, Friend, Comforter, Healer, Redeemer, Provider, and the Lover of my soul. He is not a distant God, sitting in some far off place judging you and me. He is a God of mercy, grace and compassion. He is Immanuel, God who is with us.

Plant

We are not meant to do life alone. Humans are relational beings designed for community. A tree cannot grow unless it is planted, and I strongly believe that my life would not bear the fruit it has if I had not been planted in my church. I am not talking about simply doing the Christian duty of sitting through a Sunday service. I believe that the local church plays an irreplaceable role on this planet. When the local church is healthy, it is a place where people can come to worship, learn, grow, and experience healing, grace, mercy and the unconditional love of God. It is where I have built some of my most meaningful and flourishing relationships with people who know me—imperfections and all—and love me anyway.

Decide

In the bible (John 5), we read the story of a man, lying on a mat, who had been disabled for 38 years. Jesus asks him a question: “Do you want to get well?” At that point, the man starts coming up with excuses, saying that nobody would help him and every time he tried to get better, somebody got in his way. Ultimately, Jesus instructs the man to “take up his mat and walk”. He follows this instruction and is healed.

I believe that Jesus is asking you and I the same question. Do you want to get well? Sometimes we think we want to get better, but when it comes down to it, we have a million excuses as to why we can’t. We become comfortable with our condition and content to remain paralyzed on our mats.

Ultimately, the decision is in our hands. Nobody can want it for us. God can’t force it on us. We must decide to get well.

Replace

Eleven years ago, I believed a lot of lies. They were so woven into the fabric of my being that they became my personal truth. I believed that I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable. My life reflected what I thought to be true because I made choices based on those deep and hidden beliefs.

The bible tells us to “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). It also says that we are to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

There is a process of transformation that requires action on our part. It is up to us to actively replace the lies we believe with truth. (See Appendix B)

Face

In the well-known story of David and Goliath, David faced and defeated his giant with a sling and a stone. Historically, in the days of Exodus, the Israelites had been afraid to enter the promise land because of the many “giants” who inhabited that territory. It was the fear of the giants, not the giants themselves that kept the people from God’s promise for them.
In my own journey, I have had to face some big giants: Sexual abuse, rape, father issues, fear, rejection, abandonment, unforgiveness, and bitterness to name a few. To rattle them off in a list like this is easy, but to actually face each of these head on was been a battle. I can distinctly remember fighting though Los Angeles traffic to make the 1 1/2 hour commute to see my therapist where I had to pay upwards of $60 an hour to face some of my giants. I would much rather have been sitting on my couch eating chocolate ice cream watching reruns of Seinfeld. But if I wanted to walk in the fullness of God’s promises for my life, there were giants to be faced. Sometimes I felt like David—like I was facing a seasoned combatant with weapons as puny as a sling and a stone. But during those times I learned that like David, God has given me the tools I need to face the giants in my life, and that I never have to face them on my own.

Forgive

I used to think that some things were simply unforgivable—rape and murder among them. I felt completely justified in hating the ex-boyfriend who raped me. To forgive him seemed to mean that what he did was okay and it wasn’t.
Eventually, I learned that forgiveness is a vertical transaction between me and God, not a horizontal one between me and another human. God has forgiven me and He asks me to forgive others.

I have heard it said that forgiveness is setting someone free and realizing the prisoner was you. At first I forgave out of obedience, but when I finally forgave, I realized that I was the one being held captive by my unforgiveness. The people that have hurt me were living their lives, going about their merry way, while I was seething with anger, hurt and bitterness. Unforgiveness was holding me prisoner.

Stay

The journey is never over so be gracious with yourself and stay committed to the course. We are all in a process of becoming—becoming healed, becoming whole, becoming closer to God, and becoming all that we are created to be.
God is a gentleman. He never forces us to change or gives us more than we can bear. He walks us through this process one step at a time. In His strength we are able to face our giants one by one.

I could apply 110 steps to healing and read a zillion self-help books, but what I am able to accomplish on my own pales in comparison to what can happen when I invite the transforming, gracious and redeeming power of God into my life. His love transcends knowledge, reason, and human effort.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations,
for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:17-21

What do you believe is standing in the way of your healing? Which of these steps might God be asking you to take today? Comment below...

*To order the Healing Journey cd, or other resources for healing, visit www.iamatreasure.com/store

Porn Convention Update

This weekend, the Treasures team partnered with Craig Gross and XXX Church at the LA Erotica Convention. If you missed out on our instant updates, make sure to follow me on Twitter @youareatreasure

In addition to giving Treasures gift bags to the girls, in all, we gave out over 4,000 “Jesus loves porn star” bibles to convention attendees and men and women in the industry. And as Craig noted throughout the weekend, God’s word will not return void. We are praying that people would be inspired to read the bibles they received and that God’s love and truth would penetrate their hearts!

We saw firsthand, how moving and powerful God’s word truly is. A Treasures volunteer witnessed a special moment when a grown man sitting on a staircase, cradled the bible (which he kept referring to as “this book”) in his hands with tears in his eyes. He was reading God’s word in the middle of a porn convention, perhaps for the first time, and he was visibly moved.

“Jesus is here? At a porn convention…” one girl asked after telling me how horrible the “preachers” standing outside with picket signs had made her feel. Knowing Immanuel, God who is with us, I confidently said, “Yes. He is here, at a porn convention. He is with us.” I could see in this woman’s eyes that this was an entirely new concept to her and the idea that God would meet her there in such a place, seemed to disarm her. Isn’t’ that our God though? Meeting us where we are at, in the middle of our circumstances, and loving us right there, as is. It is this sort of love and goodness that leads to transformation and healing.

Still, there were so many people at the convention who have experienced the opposite of that kind of love. From an ex-reverend who professed to being almost atheist, to a ex-seminary student, to a husband and wife that had been kicked out of their church, to the daughters of pastors, to a woman who had been raped by a pastor and a man who had been raped by a priest. We saw people with real hurts and heartbreak so deep that it has caused them to run from the Only One who can heal that sort of pain. I wonder about the depth and severity of the wounds in their hearts and all I can do is pray. The common thread among all of these people is that they have been hurt, not by God, but by His people.

And, as a friend of Treasures recently posted on my Facebook page, “if I call myself a Christ-follower and treat others like garbage, it is completely reasonable for others to question the positive value of following Jesus because I am telling them by my life that Jesus is unloving, unkind, uncaring, etc. God uses people as an avenue for Him to come to us. I would suggest that God uses people as His most common method of getting in touch with us (with the Holy Spirit being intimately involved in that process).”

I love that idea that WE ARE AVENUES. By our actions and the way we love people, we can either lead people closer to the heart of God, or farther from Him. May we each honestly and carefully examine our own actions and determine where we want our avenues-our lives- to lead people.

Love, Harmony
www.iamatreasure.com